My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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