You're my little dorito
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
two words...techno handjob
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
