Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
