I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
