I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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