Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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