I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
