Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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