I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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