you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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