She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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