gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i drank out of a bidet.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
