I wish they made helmets for livers.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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