You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
