Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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