I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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