literally had 100 drinks last night.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Ketchup is God's man juice
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
