Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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