I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Randomize
