Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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