I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize