dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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