i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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