The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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