I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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