Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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