She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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