Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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