Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
