I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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