were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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