Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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