Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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