I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
