I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize