i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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