Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So vagazzling was a success
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
