I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
