she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
