i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
