the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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