you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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