MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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