well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
