So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
