he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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