i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
