Umm I'm too high to move.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this will be a night to untag.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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