I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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