My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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