I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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