Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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